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Post by Hauler on Jan 11, 2009 0:26:45 GMT 10
^ title says it all just try to keep em as clean as possible
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Post by Digit on Jan 12, 2009 15:52:33 GMT 10
I dont mind if they have language, as long as its part of the joke!
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Post by Digit on Jan 12, 2009 21:45:08 GMT 10
A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".
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Post by Digit on Jan 12, 2009 22:05:05 GMT 10
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
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Post by Digit on Jan 12, 2009 22:10:38 GMT 10
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese
customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't
Australian customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese
man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
piss, and listen to bull-shit"
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Post by Digit on Jan 12, 2009 22:19:38 GMT 10
A REALLY FINE EXCUSE!
A wife came home early and found her husband...
In their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!'
And Paddy (for it was he) replied
'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can Tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed,
' But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And Paddy began...
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and...
This young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenceless that...
I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas...
I made for you last night,
The ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that...
I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes,
I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years...
But don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
Which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use...
Just to annoy her and I also donated those boots...
You bought at the expensive boutique and...
Don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued...
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and...
As I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and...
Said...
'Please... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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Post by Hauler on Jan 13, 2009 9:34:30 GMT 10
good one digit  personally i love telling jokes |
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Post by Digit on Jan 13, 2009 21:56:51 GMT 10
A bloke was standing at the bar drinking a cold one when a Vietnamese walked up
behind him, yelled, "Aaah-hah!" and hit him across the back of the neck, knocking him
out cold. "When he wakes up, tell him I know Kung-fu," the Vietnamese said to the
bartender, then he split.
A while later, having come around and been given the mysterious message, the bloke
was in the process of ordering another cold one to help numb the pain in his head when
another cry of "Aaah-hah!" rang out. Once more the bloke hit the floor after being decked
from behind, and once again his assailant gave the barkeeper the same instructions
before vanishing.
Half an hour later he reappeared. Looking around, he asked where the bloke had gone
and was told that he had staggered away, looking sorta green around the gills. The
Vietnamese shrugged, ordered a beer, and was just taking his first pull when a loud
"Aaah-hah!" sounded behind him. In an instant he was flat on the floor, out like a light.
"When he comes to," the bloke said to the bartender, "tell him I know crowbar,
Mitre10, $9.95."
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Post by Digit on Jan 13, 2009 21:57:02 GMT 10
The shitfaced dero was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one
foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk"
The wasted dero asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
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Post by Digit on Jan 13, 2009 22:02:19 GMT 10
This bloke was pissed as a tick, lying in the gutter outside the local, when
this frog hops past.
The bloke grabs the frog, looks it straight in the eye. and says:
"You turd of a frog - I'm gonna stick my finger up you arse till it comes outta
your mouth, then I'm gonna tear your legs off, then piss down your
throat."
Now the bloke didn't' know it, but the local cop was standing right behind him,
listening to every word he was saying.
"Listen, mate," says the cop. "Anything you do to that frog, I'm going to
do to you."
The bloke just smiled at the cop, looked at the frog and said, "Well, I guess
this is your lucky day, froggy - 'cause I'm gonna lick your arse!"
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Post by Digit on Jan 13, 2009 22:04:11 GMT 10
A little boy about five years old, runs into the
kitchen, with his hands cupped in front of him.
"Mummy, mummy, is there such a thing
as a Mummy-long-leg spiders?"
"No Johnny," mum replies, "They're all
daddy-long-leg spiders."
Upon hearing this, Johnny slams his
palms together and adds a quick twist,
muttering, "Bloody poofters!"
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Post by Digit on Jan 13, 2009 22:07:40 GMT 10
Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece
for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same
price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realise they'd ended up
with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda
got a bigger truck."
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Post by Hauler on Jan 21, 2009 3:58:01 GMT 10
lol |
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Post by kevin on Jan 28, 2009 12:58:25 GMT 10
hey Digit, they are the best jokes i have ever heard ;D
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Post by Hauler on Feb 5, 2009 11:20:39 GMT 10
hey Digit, they are the best jokes i have ever heard ;D yep |
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personally i love telling jokes