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Post by Bruiser on Feb 19, 2009 21:36:03 GMT 10
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" Joey says, "To your house!"
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Post by Bruiser on Feb 19, 2009 21:39:06 GMT 10
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything." The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job." She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic." Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!" The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!" The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Cedric and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
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Post by Bruiser on Feb 19, 2009 21:45:10 GMT 10
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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Post by Bruiser on Feb 19, 2009 21:47:42 GMT 10
A man walks into a drug store with his 13 years old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
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Post by Bruiser on Feb 19, 2009 21:51:13 GMT 10
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Post by Digit on Feb 19, 2009 22:11:07 GMT 10
Nice jokes mate! Like the barber shop one a lot!
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Post by Bruiser on Feb 20, 2009 1:35:39 GMT 10
yea mate its a beaut... got to remember some more.
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Post by Jaiden on Feb 20, 2009 6:19:06 GMT 10
LOL i've heard that one about the church bells hahaha...
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kenworth26795
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Post by kenworth26795 on Apr 14, 2009 23:43:37 GMT 10
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,I outlived the bitches!!!.'
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kenworth26795
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Post by kenworth26795 on Apr 14, 2009 23:44:18 GMT 10
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!
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kenworth26795
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Post by kenworth26795 on Apr 14, 2009 23:47:40 GMT 10
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said.You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies,Then you're not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.
she wasn't actually supposed to kill her husband, they wanted to see if she had to guts to do it!
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kenworth26795
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Post by kenworth26795 on Apr 14, 2009 23:48:43 GMT 10
"A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike." "Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!" "The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"
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kenworth26795
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Post by kenworth26795 on Apr 14, 2009 23:49:54 GMT 10
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
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FaTsu
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Post by FaTsu on May 21, 2009 11:11:06 GMT 10
A friend sent this to me. He is a truck driver but thought it was funny. Jonh died: After a long life, John died. A short time later, he was at the Pearly Gates. While St Peter was checking out his files, a Rabbi came to the gates. St Peter acknowledged him, gave him a tarnished halo, tattered robe, and wings that were molting. He was then assigned to a little, ramshackled hut at the edge of Heaven. Just as St Peter was getting back into John's file, a minister came to the gates. Again, St Peter acknowledged him and issued him a tarnished halo, tattered robe, and wings that were moulting. He was also assigned to a ramshackled hut on the other side of Heaven. As St Peter was getting back into John's file one more time, Lights started flashing, whistles started blowing, a huge, plush red carpet rolled out from the gates, and all seven choirs of angels started singing. A huge, shiny limo pulled up and stopped at the carpet.. St Peter, himself, opened the door for the one person that was in the limo. Even GOD's voice could be heard from the mansion at the center of Heaven, welcoming the new-comer. The man that stepped out was short... And fat. His beard was grey, his mustache was grey, his long hair was grey, his teeth were broken, his finger nails were broken, his t-shirt looked like someone had cut the front open from one side to the other with a pair of scissors, and his fat belly was showing. St Peter escorted the man to the gate He was issued a nice, shiny, new halo, a very beautiful robe, and a set of enormous wings. Even sandals with gold trim, and it looked like they were studded with diamonds. John stood in awe as he watched an entire squad of angels escort this man to the huge mansion at the center of Heaven. As St Peter got back to the book and John's file, John asked, almost to himself, "WHO was THAT??" "A truck driver", came the answer without even a twitch of an eyebrow. "A TRUCK DRIVER? ? But... But... You had two men of GOD that spend their whole lives praying, and... And... And, a TRUCK DRIVER???" St Peter looked up and smiled. "It's true that the Rabbi and the Minister were men of GOD, and spent their lives praying for the souls of mankind... But when that truck driver climbed into his truck... EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THAT HIGHWAY PRAYED!"
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Post by Bruiser on May 22, 2009 10:48:06 GMT 10
good one FaTsu...not nice but good...lol
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