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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:49:35 GMT 10
Elderly Drivers Joke
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:50:33 GMT 10
Confusing traffic signs
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:50:53 GMT 10
Silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM .”
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:51:54 GMT 10
Safest Way to Drive
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:52:45 GMT 10
Truck drivers interview joke
Two truck drivers applied for a job. One said, “I’m Joe and this is my partner, John; when I drive at night, he sleeps.”
The foreman said, “all right, I’ll give you and oral test. It’s two o’clock in the morning. You’re on a little bridge and your truck is loaded with nitroglycerin. All of a sudden a truck comes toward you at about 70 miles per hour. What’s the first thing you do?”
Joe said; “I wake up my partner, John. He never saw a wreck like this before.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:53:37 GMT 10
The Idiot Truck Driver
There's this guy on at bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:54:47 GMT 10
Home sick truck in vegas
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the
Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h****, I'm
homesick."
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 3:56:23 GMT 10
Top 10 Signs of Beign Bad Driver
10> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.
9> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.
8> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.
7> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."
6> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.
5> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.
4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.
3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.
2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.
and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...
1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:01:35 GMT 10
Why does Interstate Dist. Co. paint their trucks all green with a single white stripe down the side?
So they are not as noticable laying on their side in the field or along the fog line.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:02:27 GMT 10
Anybody how you haul chickens on a flatbed?
Nail their peckers to the floor
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:02:50 GMT 10
Why Are Truckers Like Dogs?
They piss on tires, chase cars, live in a box, and once in a while get to bury the bone.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:03:39 GMT 10
Didja hear about Bender, Loudon, Roadway and Overnite merging?
They're gonna call the new company BendWayOver!
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:05:03 GMT 10
The Preachers v. Truckers In Heaven
Three preachers died and went to heaven. While waiting for St. Peter to let them in a SWIFT and J.B. HUNT driver show up and St. Peter makes the preachers step aside.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:05:32 GMT 10
How do you know when your wife is messing with a Swift Driver?
When you come back after a week on the road and he is still trying to back out of the driveway.
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Post by Hauler on May 11, 2009 4:06:51 GMT 10
What Does DIGBY Stand For?
Did I Go Broke Yet?
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